Saturday, June 12, 2010
Dealing with shit I thought had already been dealt with. There were things that he had said to me that, after everything went to shit, I was sure were just these cheesy lines that he could have used on any woman because he was lonely and not getting what he needed out of the relationship he's in. Even though when I first heard him say these things, it was like a sign from the universe that we were born for each other. (Sylvia said "Only in your eyes did the winds come from other planets," and that's what it felt like.) And it killed me that it was me and not some girl that he worked with and barely knew. But now months later, I just can't get those words out of my head I had a crush on you since we were young, and well yes it would be different.. I have an inkling there are parallel universes and know Ive been with you there. I know I wouldn't feel like I have always known you if it were not true...your eyes speak, as Im sure what mine say are not lost on you either. I remember reading this for the first time and sobbing like a fucking child because I knew I was in for a world of hurt because there's no way any good could have come from that. They had to be true because I felt them too. What came next still means far too much to me to put it into words, but it ended with this: I would have to be living in a dream. How have you been? It hurts that our communication has to be sporadic as it is...I never wanted to come close to hurting you Jess. I dont know what we were both thinking but I am glad we thought it. And I am glad that we spent that night together. I dont want you to think that I regret any of this. I feel like we stepped into that universe where we were together for a night....and we left it as quickly as we came upon it...It was certainly something.... and then he disappeared. There are only a few miles between us now, but they might as well be light years. And most days, I don't think I'd even want to see him if I could. But on nights like tonight, my mind drifts to the way things could have been in that parallel universe where I never left Jersey and we'd get to be teenagers together and fall in love like normal people do and get married and have a little baby and a great story to tell people about how we were born for each other, about how I ended up with the first boy I ever had a crush on and vice versa, about how we used to take baths together, about how I used to force him to play barbies with me.. But this is not the way things are, and that's okay. Some days are just harder than others.
at 11:35 PM
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
at 7:20 PM